"In your anger, do not sin."

"In your anger, do not sin."

Psalms 4:4

Just because people fail me, or dont keep their word, or aren't the person I know they can be does not give me the right to act out of anything but love for them:

When I am wronged, I will love

When I am cheated, I will love

When I am deceived, I will love

When I am dishonored, I will love 

What I am disrespected, I will love

When I am rejected, I will love

When I am abandoned, I will love

When I am lonely, I will love

When I am hurting, I will love

When I dont want to, I will love

Because Christ first loved me, I will love

Numbing the pain...

Interesting concept. You would think that would be a good thing right? If I am in pain, I can put some cream on it or get a shot that will numb the area that hurts and then it wont be painful anymore right?

Kinda... so you become numb for a few hours, then what? You'll then need more of whatever you took the first time to get the same amount of numbness and then you are right back to the beginning. Really, all you have accomplished is a quick, easy fix that you soon become dependent on because you have only dealt with the pain of the present, not the root cause of it.

My pain of the present that I am currently struggling with is loneliness.

Last night is a perfect example of my "numbing cream" that didn't work. I got back from studying around 8:30 to find that I indeed still lived by myself, it was still quiet, lonely and hot in my apartment (cheap graduate student here), there were still the dishes I left in the sink waiting to be cleaned, and laundry needing to be folded. The slow poisonous thoughts of "you're alone" and "you aren't known by anyone" started creeping in as I cleaned so what was my quick fix? I got on my computer and starting looking at stuff I wanted for my currently nonexistent wedding (this will make me happy right? when I am married, I will never feel alone, I will always have someone around). As the temporary joy of this distraction wore off I decided it was time for a bubble bath and a glass of wine (THIS is where I will actually be able to relax and enjoy the evening). But as I was getting clean, those same thoughts kept creeping in...so I decided to add a movie to my bubble bath. That way my mind would HAVE to be distracted and there would be no room for feelings of loneliness or sadness. Long story short, my bath ended up being a sweat box (water too hot plus a cheap kid refusing to turn on the AC), the movie ended up being a terrible waste of my time, and as I put my head down on the pillow for the night reality set in...

My "numbing cream" didn't work. I had run to everything I could think of: the future, longings, physical comfort, alcohol... nothing satisfied the deep longing of my heart.

That's when I realized....Who created me to be a relational being in community with others? Who created my longing to be married, to be fully known and understood? Who created the deepest desires of my heart? and who is absolutely the ONLY person who can satisfy those desires??.... Jesus.

I wasted an entire evening running to things of this world, things of the flesh that I thought would satisfy, that I thought would numb the pain.... but what I really needed was just some time with my Father.
Time to let Him pursue me and remind me that I am never alone.
Time to feel loved and cared for by Him.
Time to remember that He is my constant companion who never leaves my side.
Time to let Him remind me of my purpose here and how I have the greatest warrior fighting my battle for me.
Time to let Him remind me who I am and why I am a treasure to Him.
Time to feel known by Him.

My encouragement to you is that in the times that you feel the need to just "numb the pain," wont you turn to the Lord instead. He not only is able to take the pain away, but He can also RESTORE you to your fullest. Put the "numbing cream" down. You don't need it and it will never heal you. Jesus is the only true source of healing, wont you run to Him?

"For I am the Lord your God, 

who takes hold of your right hand and says to you,

 'Do not fear; I WILL help you."

Isaiah 41:13

Beauty from Ashes

Tree budding outside my San Antonio apartment

Those of you who know me know that I am in physical therapy school in San Antonio. Those of you who know me well know that the transition was one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.

I jumped feet first into a totally different city, with a totally different culture, and totally different people.
I quickly found out that San Antonio was nothing like the little Christian bubble of College Station I came from.
I quickly found myself submerged in the secular world I had always known existed, but never truly experienced and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little shell shocked.

As hard as the transition was, I continued to find joy in my Savior and in the little things of life...
like this beautiful big green tree right outside my apartment...

View from my balcony every night

The highlight of my days consisted of sitting on my balcony and watching the sun go down while listening to the beautiful birds sing from the tree's branches.

I grew rather attached to my tree (yes, pathetic I know) but it became a source of joy in my life.
There was a huge drought that plagued the city, and soon I started seeing the beautiful green leaves on my tree turn brown and look desperate for water.
There were other trees around that were still full and green, yet mine was drying out.
As pathetic as it is, there truly were days where I would pray for my tree and ask the Lord to bring rain out of fear of losing it.

Fall came, then winter, and my tree was as bare as it could be.
Looking at it, one thought for sure it wasn't going to make it.

Yet one day, early March, I saw fresh green buds bursting forth from the seemingly dead branches.
(and I am not going to admit to you how excited I truly was).
As I sat on my balcony amazed to see the new life spring forth I was reminded of my own life...
How there are times in my life when the Lord takes me through difficult times,
(whether they are as small as a fight with a friend or as big as moving to a new city)
In order to refine me,
In order to make me more in His image,
In order for me to become a new creation.
In order for me to die to myself in order to be made new in Him.

That even when there are times when all seems lost, the Lord is working in mysterious ways that I will never fully understand.

Be the fountain

"For with you is the fountain of life."
Psalms 36:9

Ever reached a point where you feel like all you do is give, give, give?

Feel like you are the only one pouring out?

The only one trying to be a light to those around you?

The only one speaking truth?

The only one not being taken care of?

I know I definitely have...

One night when I was feeling exceptionally discouraged, I was reminded of a podcast I listened to a while back where a mom talked about life with her three children and her husband. She said there were times when her days were completely consumed with serving her kids, fulfilling their needs, serving her husband, making sure the house was cleaned, dinner was ready, and that everyone was taken care of. She found her self exhausted, worn down, and ready to sit down and rest. 

She began complaining to the Lord, saying that it felt like she was the only one pouring out, and giving in her home and the Lord responded back very clearly saying:  

       "If you are the only fountain of life, then BE THE FOUNTAIN."

Some times you are going to be the only one pouring out. 

Some times you are going to feel like all you do is give, give, give and don't receive much in return.

Some times you are going to feel like the only one speaking truth

Well guess what...

That's probably exactly why the Lord put you in the position you are in. 

So that you CAN be the source of His love.

That you CAN be the source of His truth.

That you CAN be the one to shine His light in the darkness.

And the best part of it is that you KNOW where to find the ETERNAL SOURCE of the living water. 

And you know that drawing from the fountain of the Lord means that you will never run dry.

That you will always have more to give;

More of your love.

More of you time.

More of your heart.

More of your prayers.

More of your self.

"One person gives freely, yet gains even more." Proverbs 11:24

"Freely you have received; freely give." Matthew 10:8

The more you give, the more the Lord will replenish you. 

My encouragement to you is to BE the fountain. 

Be grateful the Lord has chosen YOU to be a vessel for His love and His light to shine through.

And most importantly... Pour out. 

Silent Tears

The point you reach in your life where you feel like no one else understands

You feel alone, tired, worn down, ready to give up

“how can they not see?”

“how is it not obvious?”

Happy and joyful on the outside, but what do they really know about me?

What do they know about who I am and what my heart feels?

“you’re just always so happy, always smiling, always in a great mood”

Lies. Lies. Lies.

I am a sinner, broken and unworthy

I run to my Jesus every morning because I’m not “always happy”

I am hurting. I am real. I am lonely.

My Jesus is my source of strength.

He is the one who brings me joy

He is the one who sustains me when I truly have reached my breaking point

He is the one who picks me back up off the ground.

The one who encourages me to keep fighting the good fight,

Keep running the race marked out for me.

I have created you.

I will sustain you.

Keep your eyes fixed.

I will bring you peace and joy in the midst of pain.

I will fight for you.

I will be your friend in your time of need.

I will be your shoulder to cry on, the one who understands you.

When nothing else is left… I AM.